This happened about a week and a half ago. Better late than never. Ever notice that even with the best intentions to sit down and get some work done things happen to distract you from it and in the end it seems like you were being guided. I had one of those days. Mom was more interactive this day and kept asking me to come out to the room she was in. She just wanted to spend time with me.
This happens often but this time she was pestering me every few minutes. With Alzheimer's disease it's unusual that she could keep that idea going for as long as she did. I resigned to the fact I wasn't going to get anything done any way so I went out and sat down.
Being with a person that has Alzheimer's disease you become aware of things most people might not notice. When I'm at the computer I constantly listen for the slightest noise or vibration or movement caught out the corners of my eyes. You begin to notice patterns of normal activity. Anything that is outside of that pattern catches your attention. Your awareness of everything around you is heightened.
The room we were in has large windows one next to the other. You see around outside very well. The road isn't far about 50 or 60 feet but with the trees and bushes you only see a glimpse of part of a car or person. We live on a corner property and it's normal for people to turn onto the road and stop to get their bearings or pick something up that slid off their seat.
If you look toward the bottom of the yard you see a longer stretch of road. Well I see a car slowing down but I don't see it stop because of the bushes. I looked toward the bottom of the yard and I see a car the same color almost stopping and then doing this again and again. I've seen this before when a cat or dog is on the run to freedom.
If a pet gets free in the area it often shows up here. The yard is full of bushes that were planted as food sources and cover for birds. This landscape seems to attract runaway pets too. About 15 minutes past and I see the car go by again. I go out but it's to far down the road for them to notice me. I go back in and sit down and about the time I expect the car to come past again I start looking out the door. Instead of the car I see an elderly woman walk past the door, go down the steps onto the driveway and head for the backyard. Now that was out of the ordinary. I went out and asked her it I could help. Was she looking for her pet?
By her response I could tell she had memory problems. Not lost to the world but not all there either. I asked her where she was trying to get to and who she was. She new her name (RUTH) so that helped and she was going to her son's house. She gave the name of the road we are on but said she was looking for the big house and didn't know the address.
All the houses are about the same size one this road. I asked where she was coming from and she mentioned her daughter and pointed up the other road and said it was over the hill but didn't know the address there. Her house was about 10 miles away. She was visiting her daughter and no one was there because her daughter had to work. So she decided to walk to
her son's house.
It was hot out and she looked a little hot so I got her to come into the air conditioned house and I looked for her son's name in the phone book. His name wasn't but there was a women in there on my road with the same last name. Two numbers and both had answering machines. I left messages. She knew her son's name but not his wife's first name. I didn't know for sure so I also called the operator for more help but she had no listings for Ruth's son.
I got her something to drink but you need to take care because you don't know if they have health issues. Can they have sugars or are they allergic to anything. Now I had 2 elderly women with Alzheimer's in the house. I lucked out. Both pleasant, happy and talkative. She mentioned she had been walking for quite a while. She was ready to get on her way so I kept talking about different stuff to distract her. I didn't feel it was safe for her to wander off on her own.
If she did take off I would have to call the police and get them involved and I hadn't ruled that out for the current situation. She was starting to say her goodbyes and thank you for being so helpful when the phone rang. It was her son. It was him driving slowly past just before she showed up here and was driving all over the area looking for her. His sister called him and said she wasn't there when she got home.
He said that three other people had left messages on his answering machine and one had mentioned giving her a ride to the corner I live on. Nobody had taken her into custody and kept her. They just let her go. I'm happy to say this had a happy ending. It worked out well for the son because I had gone through my mother running away. I was able to calm him down and let him know other people go through the same thing.
The poor guy was so worried he was shaking. He didn't seem mad about it but he wasn't very open about what he was going through. You could tell it was forcing him to make some mental adjustments. This isn't unusual when your a newbie caregiver or family member trying to deal with Alzheimer's.
Being experienced I gave him some tips and what he should consider doing so this doesn't happen again. All the talking in the world isn't going to give you the skills you need. It does help when something happens but experience gives you the skills. He seemed to look like the shaking had stopped. He was off to get home and tell everyone she was safe.
See what I mean. If things hadn't happened just the way they did. If mom hadn't kept coming in and asking me to come out to the back room and sit with her. She must have come in and asked me seven times. That's a pretty long time for her to stay focused on something. It was as if there was some guiding force nudging her to nudge me.
It seemed it was meant that I saw Ruth go past the door. I thought it strange that her name was Ruth. My mothers sister is also named Ruth. She also has Alzheimer's disease like symptoms. It might have been Ruth's last chance to get home safely. I didn't notice as it was happening but when it was over I thought how many things had to fall in place. I wonder was this all a coincidence or was there some sort of divine intervention happening.
In some strange way I feel like I was being gently guided into the right place at the right time. What do you think? Do you feel like you have ever been nudged or guided? To do something or that you ended up somewhere at a certain time that made you think. What if?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
alzheimer's disease
Alzheimer/'s Disease
3 comments:
Many times I have felt divine intervention. Several times i have woken up from sleep and found Aunt doing things she shouldn 't be doing.
Hello webmaster. Interesting topic. I too am the care taker of someone with alzheimer's, except this ins't my mom, it's my grandmother.
My problem is this. How do I not get mad at my grandmother? After reading this topic, I think it's safe to say that you are a better person than I am about the whole alzheimer's thing.
My grandmother will always do the exact oppisite of what I ask her to do, and what I ask her to do is often for her own benefit.
The thing is though, she will not listen to me or excep when I get mad and yell at her.
Maybe unlike you, I don't have the luxury of choosing how I am going to treat her, because she only responds to one form of treatment, so that leaves me with only two choices. Either yell at her or just let her do whatever she wants.
Another thing too is, that if I didn't know any better, I would say she is purposely trying to be difficult, because as I said before, she always does the exact opposite of what I ask of her. Not just sometimes. I am saying that this is her reaction to anything I say, ALL the time.
She also always lies to me. I doubt this has anything to do with alzheimer's though, because from everything I have heard, alzheimers people have no sane mental capacity, and you have to think to lie, which means she is not she still has very functional thought processes that go on inside her head.
Sometimes I wonder if she really does have alzhiemers.
Another thing also is that she lives with me in my house. She has all of her stuff here just as I have mind, but I can't leave her alone for 1 minute without her getting into my stuff and getting into things she shouldnt.
Like the 'not listening or paying attention to me' thing that I mentioned above, this too she does ALL the time if she is not within eyesight of me. I literally mean every single time I get out of her line of sight. This might seem like I am exagerating, but I am not.
How would you handle any of these things if your mother was like this? Just curious.
David G.
Thanks for posting David G. I can understand that you get mad. It is common and easy for this to happen and yes I get upset and mad too. I don't think it's because we are bad people but has more to do with the way we have been programmed from birth. They try to make us non thinking ever subservient little worker bees. Our parents and grand parents were programmed too. It was my mother that made me aware of how much of who we think we are and how we are to react and what we think is drilled into us on a daily basis.
Alzheimer's has reached record numbers and people don't expect to become a caregiver. The diagnosis is a big shock to everyone involved and can become a huge burden to the caregiver(s). This is something you can't begin to imagine until you live it.
I commend you for taking care of your grandmother. This is not only better for her it will force you to think about who you are. You do have a choice in the way you treat her but you must make that decision and the transition isn't always easy.
The first thing I had to do is find a way to direct those feelings away from my mother. This anger is within you. That's where it begins and where the solution is. Every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I get up I tell my self I am not going to get angry today. Just for today. If your having a hard time maintaining your cool do it a few times a day.
Before this becomes an overwhelming feeling there are little signals within you that if you listen carefully you can use as an alert to stop or divert the process from becoming full blown. When you accept that this is your problem not your grandmothers you're on the right path. Even if it feels like it is something beyond your control I want you to realize you can control it and slowly lessen and finally erase this anger. Once you understand it and yourself better.
You need to find other ways of venting this anger away from your grandmother. In this she is an innocent. You probably don't feel so good about yourself after an outburst so I'm sure you want this to stop. A good place to tell yourself the way your acting is not acceptable is looking into a mirror.
Give yourself a strong talk about what you are doing that's wrong and that it's not going to be tolerated as long as you are in charge. Take away your own permission to act up the way you are. Give yourself the good old zero tolerance talk. Go push your face into a pillow and scream at the top of your lungs. Just for the release.
Also try to find things that make you feel good inside. Play your favorite music. Use it as an emotional release. Find the right music that elevates your mood. Music can soothe and heal. You can also use music to distract and change your grandmothers mood. You'll need to experiment because the things she used to like will change and change etc. She may even like the current selection of music.
Even if other people may tell you how wonderful you are for taking care of you grandmother I want you to tell yourself.
I often walk through the house and bellow at the top of my lungs that - I love my life - and - I love John Collins and I am doing what I want to do. I will enjoy this day whatever challenges it brings. I know that saying positive affirmations out loud like this sounds crazy (just ask my neighbors) but it does work. My neighbors think I'm crazy any way. So what!
Find an essential oil you enjoy the smell of and spray it a couple of times in the air. It's a many health stores and you can get it online. Don't use regular air freshener type sprays they have stuff in them that can have the opposite affect on you.
Most essential oils come in a bottle with a regular cap so you want to get a small bottle with an atomizer too. You may have seen them with the squeeze bulb on them. Like some perfume bottles. There are also the plastic type cap you push down on the cap and it sprays. You want a very fine mist. It only takes a little bit. Your not trying to coat everything with oil. A super fine spray will disperse and evaporate and fill the room with it's fragrance.
One of the best for a calming effect is Lavender. This will work for you and for her. I like Orange Oil and Wintergreen Oil just because of the smell. You can also custom blend oils. One product I like is Dr Richard Schulze's - Air Detox. It was called - Clinical Air but it's the same product.
It's a combination of Eucalyptus, Grapefruit, Lime, Lemon and Orange essential oils. His store is The American Botanical Pharmacy and the phone and web address are in one of my UTI - Urinary Tract Infection posts.
This combo is great if you have any type of breathing problem and these particular oils are full spectrum anti-microbials. If there are germs floating around a room this is a strong effective broad spectrum bactericide, fungicide, antiviral and anti-parasitic.
Now as for the way your grandmother is acting. This is the way people with Alzheimer's often act. Not always but there are times when I need to give a yell to break her focus or thought process or something she's doing. Sometimes snapping my fingers about 12" in front of her face. It can be as if you are only a ghost in their world and it may take something above what is considered normal by the general public to get their attention.
It's like the sayings - She has a one track mind or The porch light's on but no one's at home. Instead of yelling in anger try yelling with a smile on your face and saying something nice. She may not understand but she may very well to pick up body language and the tone of speech or pick up on facial expressions way better than you. That works just as well and the neighbors won't freak. In fact I have talked with my neighbors so they know to expect it. They laugh at me instead of worry or call the police.
Also if you create an environment or a moment of her day that is one that makes her fearful or that she's been bad and made you mad at her it will make your day harder on you too. With Alzheimer's a person often forgets a situation but the emotion of a moment can keep returning through out the rest of the day.
If a person with Alzheimer's gets scared by the way you act toward them they may have periods of fear for no apparent reason later in the day. This is not something you want to program into them. Remember it's the emotion of the day that stays with them and not the actual events or conversations.
It's a totally different chemical system than the intellectual process. It also can effect their general health so keeping them happy even when you feel like pulling out all your hair is to your benefit. The more health issues you have to deal with the more dedicated time they require and more stress for you.
This happens in the primitive area of the brain ( the reptile portion ) that isn't often targeted by Alzheimer's until near the end. This is also what you are experiencing by the description you give of her actions.
When you know a person like your grandmother when she was a whole totally functional loving person it's easy to interpret their actions as intentional but I can assure you her actions are not. It's a reversal of life. She will forget everything she has learned from birth. I know this sounds scary for you but imagine what a person with Alzheimer's must feel.
They become like little children but in reverse because they keep losing more and more. They forget the basic social skills that very young children can master. Communication and language skills diminish and they forget what they know of personal hygiene. They will constantly want to explore everything thing they can. Especially when your not looking. No matter how many times you tell or show them they will not remember or learn.
This ties into her getting into everything. My mother does this and what amazes me is she has as much stuff here as I do but for some reason it's my stuff that gets her attention. If something is looked through or moved or hidden or ripped apart it's always my stuff. But you know what it's only stuff. Sure it can upset me but I not going to let her see that.
I have learned to just smile and calmly get her to give back what she has and distract her for a moment and get her away from what has her attention. I don't give more value to my possessions than her well being. If something is very important to you take precautions. You can't put something in the middle of a busy street and expect it to be in good condition at the end of the day.
They have very good skills at making you think they understand you when they don't. She isn't intentionally telling you a lie. But it can be frustrating to say the least. If you ask her if she wants a drink she may say yes but she really doesn't even know what she's saying yes to or what you asked. It's just a response. Even if it was understood at that second by the time you bring the drink she won't remember you asking or her saying yes.
This is part of the primitive brain survival skills that have kicked in. It gives them the ability to give you what seems a right answer to what you ask or say to them. They really don't have a clue. In fact if you ask them what you just said and what does that mean they can't tell you. I know their response fits the question so well it seems like a thought out interaction but it's not. It's like a injured animal trying to act normal so a predator doesn't single it out. Like a injured animal being more aggressive to compensate for their venerability.
These type of survivor skills show up in people with other diseases as well. I noticed a strong similarity in the responses my mother would give with the way my uncle did. He had cerebral palsy from birth. I have also seen this with autism. Using the primitive reptile part of the brain is common for regular people. In fact when you get mad as you describe you are allowing that part of the brain to control you instead of the higher brain.
So I guess I want you to know you're normal and you can change the way you react. It may not be easy and you may fail from time to time but don't give up. Improving what you can on your part of it will make it easier on you. Your grandmother doesn't lie because she doesn't know what a lie is and you're getting a first hand experience of how the primitive brain works. Take it easy on your grandmother and start liking yourself more.
Just an example I just got my mother to go to bed and stay there about an hour ago. I saw her heading for the bathroom so I headed there too. She was fine so I came back a wrote some. I just tucked her back in bed. I met her when she was heading to her bedroom but I took a glance in the bathroom and there is at least hundreds of tiny pea sized pieces of toilet paper all over the floor or it just snowed. So I guess the whole time she was in there she sat and ripped tiny pieces. I didn't even mention it to her. I just followed her back to her room and tucked her in.
Expect and accept the unexpected. Be calm when things are at there worst. Know that no matter what you do or say you have no control over anything but yourself. If you leave a room and when you come back it's the same know that you have just been blessed and find joy in it. When you find you are able to create happiness for a defenseless innocent victim and shelter them from what you know and how you feel you're half way there. Learn to pick your battles well.
Just do the best you can I'm sure she would be proud of you.
Post a Comment